When you first met, your husband couldn’t get enough of you.
He complimented you on how you looked.
You caught him checking you out on occasion, and you had a thrilling sex life.
Now that many years have gone by, you’re worrying your husband no longer finds you attractive.
There may be a legitimate cause for concern, but you could also feel down about yourself.
This low self-esteem makes you concerned about your husband’s feelings toward you.
You may think, “I don’t feel attractive to my husband,” though he compliments you often and tries to reassure you.
Getting to the root of the issue can help the situation and prevent marital complications.
Why Do I Feel Like My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive?
Constantly thinking, “My husband is not attracted to me anymore,” may have something to do with your husband’s behavior and attitude. But it could be that you have some issues to work through as well.
Let’s look at some common reasons you may feel like your husband doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
You Have Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem can affect how you feel about yourself, but it can also affect how you think people see you.
Often, low self-esteem can cause you to create a host of scenarios in your head that simply aren’t true. Your husband may love you very much and be highly attracted to you. The problem may be that you don’t think you’re good enough to be loved.
You might have issues with your appearance that make you think other people find you unattractive.
Your Husband Shows More Interest in Other Women Than You
Your husband may make references to other attractive women, and you’ve noticed these women don’t look like you. They may be thinner, younger, more shapely, or just altogether different. But it’s enough to make you feel undesirable.
If your husband isn’t showing appreciation for your appearance, it’s no wonder you don’t feel confident about his desire for you.
Your Body Has Changed
There are many ways your body will change over the years. Having children will change it dramatically. Age completely transforms your body over time. Your weight can fluctuate, and wrinkles appear on that once-perfect skin.
Does your husband appreciate these changes for what they are? Or does he make you feel bad about yourself?
You Know or Suspect He’s Cheated
Cheating is a massive breach of trust between a husband and wife. If your husband cheated, you wonder why he would stray and seek sexual intimacy elsewhere.
It’s common for women to blame themselves, even though their husbands consciously decided to break their marriage vows. Did he cheat because he no longer finds you sexy and beautiful?
You Feel Put Down by Your Husband
It’s not uncommon for an insensitive, boorish husband to tell his wife she’s not attractive. This cruel behavior might occur during a fight as a way to hurt the woman, but there also may be truth behind his words.
His feelings for you are only skin-deep, and his self-esteem and ability to love rest on how you make him look to others.
How Do I Know If My Husband Finds Me Attractive?
If you ask your husband outright if he finds you attractive, he’ll likely say, of course, he does. But his words may sound disingenuous. How can you feel confident your husband genuinely finds you attractive?
Pay close attention to his actions rather than what he says to you. If you hug or touch him and he acts very uncomfortable and tries to push you away, this is something you should address with your partner.
Once you’ve let your husband know that you’re concerned with his opinion of you, does he make a conscious effort to change how he acts?
If your husband truly cares about you and does find you attractive, he will go the extra length to make sure that you feel accepted and beautiful each day.
21 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive
There are some obvious and subtle behaviors to determine if your husband does not find you attractive. If you notice some of these signs, there’s no need to panic right now.
There is a chance that your husband has been having a bad day or going through some personal issues that change how he acts towards you. But if the signs are consistent, it’s time to take action.
1. Your Sex Life Slows Down
As you and your husband get older, it’s normal for your sex life to change. Our sex drives can peak and slow down at specific points in our life. If the two of you aren’t in sync with your desires, this can lead to a slower than normal sex life.
This slowdown doesn’t necessarily mean your husband doesn’t find you attractive. However, look for signs like your husband never approaching you for sex, your husband has trouble performing, or he doesn’t seem to enjoy sex when it happens.
2. Your Marriage Lacks Romance
Getting married doesn’t mean you don’t make a point to romance each other anymore. If your husband still finds you attractive, he’ll invest time doing the same things he did when you first got together.
These might include leaving you a sweet little note in your car, bringing home flowers for you to surprise you, or giving you a back rub at the end of a long week.
Are these romantic behaviors gone with the wind? Are you beginning to feel like his roommate rather than a romantic partner? If so, it may be a sign he’s not as attracted to you as he once was.
3. The Quality of Your Conversations is Questionable
It’s not uncommon to disagree with your husband about specific topics, but you should at least feel like your husband is engaging with you when you talk.
Do you feel like he is respectfully listening to you? Does he respond accordingly? Does he reach out and touch you, smile at you, or hug you when you get emotional?
How these conversations go can be impacted by how attracted your husband is to you or how he feels about you in general.
4. He Expresses Attraction for Other Women, But Not for You
It’s unlikely that your husband has completely shut down sexually. He may not want to get physical with you, but is he expressing attraction and interest for other women – and making sure you know what he finds attractive?
Maybe you’ve noticed him overstepping boundaries and being flirtatious with women when you are out together as a not-so-subtle way of letting you know he’s lost attraction for you.
5. You’re Not Spending Quality Time Together
You don’t have to gaze into each other’s eyes all day to express your attraction and interest in one another. Spending quality time together can reflect a mutual level of respect and attraction.
If you’ve become two ships passing in the night, ask your husband to set aside time for dates together at least once per month. It’s a good sign if he’s interested in doing so.
6. Your Communication Has Broken Down
The goal of your marriage should be to learn how to communicate better as the years go on. If you see the complete opposite and your communication skills worsen over time, your marriage might be in trouble.
If your husband doesn’t want to entertain your feelings about his attraction to you, there may be a deeper reason for that.
7. Your Husband Acts Unhappy to Be Out with You
When you and your husband go out together, does he seem like he would rather be somewhere else?
Is he frequently checking their watch to see when the outing will end? You should be with someone that values their time with you because of how attractive and fun you are.
8. Your Husband Sees You As His Friend, Not His Lover
Being best friends with your lover is essential, but you should always retain that component of attraction with each other. Be careful if he acts more like a buddy than a romantic partner.
This change may suggest he’s not attracted to you, but it could also mean he is undergoing an emotional or physical issue that he’s embarrassed to discuss.
9. He Offers Affection but Nothing Else
Do you get a quick peck on the cheek when your husband leaves for work? Does he hug you on a holiday or special occasion? Is that where the physical contact ends?
It may be that your husband is just an affectionate guy and doesn’t have a problem giving the occasional hug or kiss. But when it comes to being intimate, he doesn’t initiate, and he’s unavailable when you do.
Again, he may have an underlying physical condition, or perhaps he has more stress than normal impacting his libido. If you ask him about these possible reasons, and he denies them, maybe a lack of attraction to you is the problem.
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10. Your Husband Is Self-Absorbed
Marriage is a two-way street. This partnership requires you to help your partner while he helps you. Working together, you can build a pretty great life together.
When the romantic attraction is lost, your partner may start to focus more on himself rather than putting your needs or the marriage first. It’s as if they no longer care about you. This behavior can be a clue he is attracted to someone else.
11. You Feel Uncomfortable
Did you once feel comfortable telling your husband how much you love him? Were you able to share your secrets with him? Has this become more of an uncomfortable situation because he’s not reciprocating?
You shouldn’t settle for feeling uncomfortable around your spouse. He should make you feel comfortable and secure in your marriage and reciprocate (and initiate) loving words and actions.
12. Discussing Your Future Together is Off Limits
No longer do the two of you plan for the future or dream about what your lives will look like in ten or twenty years.
Your husband doesn’t seem to see a future with you in it at all, for that matter. It’s hard for him to see where your relationship is going, and it seems to stress him when you bring up a topic about the future. He may be signaling that he sees your marriage coming to an end.
13. Your Spouse Snaps at You or Gets Defensive
Does your husband act irritated when you try to talk to him? Do you find that they’re very short or curt with you?
Occasional irritability may be due to trouble at work or lack of sleep. But if it becomes a pattern, lack of attraction and love may be the reason. Sometimes people push their partners away with anger to avoid dealing with feelings honestly.
14. Your Husband Has a Porn Obsession
Does your husband forgo sex with you to watch pornography instead? He still seems to have sexual needs that you aren’t fulfilling, and he’s turning to outside sources for that pleasure.
Women can have differing opinions regarding their spouses watching pornography. It becomes a problem when your spouse cares about the women in the pornography more than he cares about intimacy with you.
15. He’s Not Jealous of Other Men
If another man shows interest in you, does this make your husband jealous? Or does he simply act like you’re welcome to go be with someone else? Your husband should make you feel like he can’t possibly live without you and doesn’t like other men flirting with you.
His apathetic attitude about the attention of other men might suggest he isn’t interested in you romantically. It could even make him feel better about his lack of attraction to you.
16. He’s Disinterested in How You’re Changing and Growing
Marriages often last for decades at a time. It’s a lifelong commitment (or is supposed to be), and your husband should show interest in learning about you for as long as you’re together. It’s ideal if you seek to grow and evolve as a couple.
But if he seems to know you too well and is annoyed by your interests and ideas, he may be drifting away from you. Your evolving self may not be as inviting to him as the person you were when you met.
17. Your Husband is Bored
Does your husband act like he’s bored with your day-to-day life together?
Has he withdrawn from the children you have together? Is his job performance suffering? Does he no longer do the things he used to like doing? He may be starting to feel trapped.
He may not have lost attraction just for you. It could be he wants to escape all of the responsibilities and demands of family life.
18. Your Husband is Starting Fights
Your husband may start fights to avoid spending time with you or speaking to you. This behavior is a way to get you mad at them, so you leave them alone and don’t desire affection.
All couples fight, but the frequency of your fights may be alarming to you. There’s also a difference between playful bickering and nasty fights that get personal. The latter can make you pull away from him – which may be just what he wants.
19. You Have a Lack of Connection
When you first meet someone, you often know right away if there’s a connection there. That spark you initially feel is what gets the romance going. Has that connection between you and your husband dissipated?
Joint work with a therapist can help you reignite that spark back, but both parties must be interested. Ask your husband what his thoughts are. If he refuses counseling, that tells you he’s not interested in regaining his attraction to you.
Does your husband make unkind comments about your appearance? He frequently criticizes what you wear. Maybe he’s unhappy with your weight or wishes you would do your hair and makeup differently.
Whatever you change to please him, it seems that it’s never good enough. It feels like he’s punishing you by withholding intimacy because you don’t look the way he wants you to.
21. Your Husband Doesn’t Take Personal Responsibility
Your husband blames you for everything wrong around the house or with your relationship. But he isn’t taking responsibility for his role in the situation.
If he’s struggling with his attraction to you, he should be honest and forthcoming about what’s going on. If he genuinely loves you despite this challenge, he’ll be interested in seeing what can be done and how you can work together to improve the relationship.
What to Do If Your Husband Is Not Attracted to You
If you’ve determined that your husband is not attracted to you anymore, there are some steps you can take to address the situation. Ignoring the problem will only make things worse and impact your relationship and self-esteem.
Reflect On What You Want
You should ask yourself some important questions. “If my husband is not interested in me physically, am I ok with staying in this marriage?”.
You might have children worth staying in the marriage for, but make sure that you’re prioritizing your own happiness.
Talk Candidly With Your Husband
Hopefully, your husband is willing to sit down and talk with you about what’s going on. He should feel concerned about how you feel while promising to make changes to improve the marriage.
If this isn’t what happens, you’ll need to think about how you want to proceed.
Seek Professional Help
If your husband has admitted he’s struggling with his attraction to you (or the issue lies in your self-esteem), consider working with a therapist to help you both work through these problems.
A little help can go a long way towards rekindling the attraction and your feelings of confidence.
Try to Re-Ignite the Flame
Likely, you and your husband were once very attracted to each other. That attraction may have decreased over time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get it back.
Try to come up with some ways to freshen up your sex life. Put aside some free time to go out on dates and try new things together. Get that fire burning again.
If you’ve noticed that your husband exhibits some of these behaviors, don’t panic immediately.
Rather, proceed slowly with some of the tips we outline here. Talking to your husband about your concerns and how you feel can help you get back on track with your relationship.
Marriage isn’t just about physical attraction, but there are steps that you can take to get that spark back.